“You’re not broken” he whispers into her sleeping ears, kisses the top of her head and watches her sleep.
I always imagined God to be like that. Only because I don’t see God physically at all. It’s like a father who has been out doing work all day, coming home late at night and tip toeing into his daughters room to kiss her goodnight.
Growing up, I’ve faced people telling me I need to change only because I’m so different from many people out there. There isn’t many people who understand me, and the ones that really do are only a handful. Only because I’m strong, independent and ambitious even at a very young age, when children are learning what they should become- I’ve had an idea of what I want. But being young, your voice don’t matter. The adults laughed and say I’ll outgrow it, they say I’ll learn from life. When what I believe clashes with theirs they try to break my spirit- through force or the usual punishment. It was difficult, trying to live in my own skin. I had issues with myself, believing I was broken only because society couldn’t accept me for me. I was young, I wanted to be heard, and yet, I was being asked to keep quiet. When I did try to be what they wanted, I hated myself. Only because I know it’s not who I am.
22 today, and things haven’t changed much. I’m still independent, the things I like back then, I still love right now. I’m still individualistic- and I do believe you don’t have to fit in to society to survive. If there’s one thing I’m very proud of- is that I haven’t changed who I am to become what society wanted me to be. That I managed to be who God made me to be- different. The only different is that I’m older now- and the things I would have said when I was 7 suddenly becomes “wise”. And no, I don’t regret not conforming, I don’t regret fighting the believes of society, I don’t regret holding my believes and character- and I’ve never been more comfortable.
I like to believe that I am who I am today, comfortable with myself, loving this person I’ve become- different and all, only because God chose to tell me “You’re not broken” over and over and over when I was asleep. I know I’m not here by my own strength. I know that at 13, when I had my first identity crisis, I knew God helped me through. When I was crying everyday trying to understand where I belonged, when I couldn’t find the right people to help me develop myself because no one understood where I was coming from, no one got me- I was always wrong somewhere and the “right” was didn’t feel all that right, God took charge.
I wasn’t all right, He had to change many things, He had to break many things, He had me face many troubles, many fears, many problems- but He never let go of my hand. My fondest memory- was realising that I wasn’t broken. That I am who I am, as God made me to be. I wasn’t a broken doll- and this was before any personality tests were created. My fondest memory of my journey has got to be the day I realised who I am, the things that made me, me. The different things. I can’t tell you how special I felt for being “eccentric” because I feel like God made me extra special.
A few days ago, I did a personality test- and just like the many I’ve done before, it tells me the same things. I’m special- there is only 5% to 10% of the population who has my personality. You have no idea how special I feel, out of 6 billion over people and I’m part of that small percentage. I’m not broken, I’ve never been broken. I was just made differently. And sure it was hard last time- because I wanted to just fit in. But overtime I realised, I’d rather be me, special, than be like the world’s “right” standard.
And also only because I knew God knew what He was doing, and that I choose to believe He kept on whispering “You’re not broken” to me, and I subconsciously heard him.
aLLy
