February 9th 2008 marks the day where a girl had to leave the nest and build a life of her own. With all the feelings of a newborn she had to learn how to shop for food, necessities, make new friends and without her parents to do the things they’d be normally doing such as finances, cooking, sewing- all they could do now was drop in via the phone and supervise.
Today, November 9th 2008 marks the 9th month since the said girl above has been living and in 9 months many things have happened, many things she saw, many things made her believe again and there are the memories that continues to stay fresh in this girls mind. As she packs her clothes and folds it into perfect squares, as she tidies her table, as she wipes the mirror and stares at the reflection that stares back there is no doubt she has come far, she has had to deal with all the emotions and the most she has learnt is that no matter where a person maybe the feelings of happiness, hurt, sadness, fear and most of all love is the same. You can take the girl out of the city and throw her into a new surrounding but sooner or later that girl will find herself a home.
This is MY story and I choose the way I want to write it. It may not be perfect- in fact if you look at it closely through a microscope you’d find tiny cracks and mistakes, flaws and imperfection but it is these little cracks that makes me proud cause despite of all these cracks, I still managed to come out stronger and I still believe that there is a greater plan in the works. My story is not one of perfection, it doesn’t have a happy ending, in fact there is no ending and as I continue writing this my story is still being told, is still being written. This raw feeling is something I’ve yet learnt to control, the passion I have in life still burns and the faith I have still grows. When all is said and done, with all that I’ve said and seen, I can truthfully say I still believe in the human race and it’s kindness and love. I still have faith that there is good amidst all the horrors and adversities. I still stand firm in my believe that my relationship with my saviour is not built on blind believe but one of great truth. I still have the strength to live the life that has been planned way before I even appeared on this tainted world. I still believe in me.
In the past 9 months I’ve learnt how to become someone I’ve never thought I could become. I learnt to trust people outside my normal circle of friends. I learnt that you have to do what you must with the limited amount of time to be a friend cause who knows what may happen or if you’d ever still be in touch with one another. I learnt that people are not all out to get you and that if you let go of the reins a little, you’d be surprise with the kindness people actually hold. I learnt that with a little interest, people would gladly let you in. I met people who made me believe in others again, slowly letting the walls crumble and letting people in. I won’t lie- it was scary, intimidating. Thoughts like what if they didn’t like the real me or what if she/he betrays this trust, what is the real me isn’t all that good was a constant battle. I remember staying up one night and praying for security, and I remember that Jesus didn’t walk the earth alone, he had 12 disciples. God never meant for us to walk life alone, that’s why we have friends. I had to find my “friends”.
I didn’t get the fresh start I longed for, in fact it wasn’t really “fresh” per-se. But God works in mysterious ways. Today, 9 months later, I’m glad I didn’t get the fresh start. It would have been a totally different scenario if it was. Coming here, it hasn’t been everything I had planned for 9 months ago. It was a total opposite. But now I understand why it happened the way it all did. I’d tell you the whole story but that is a whole post by itself. 9 months ago I didn’t understand why things were happening the way they were, now I see. I totally get it. I’ve come to terms with it.
Here I learnt that doing the right things isn’t always right. What may seem natural like telling a housemate off for disturbing your peace or scolding a fellow friend for not returning your money or just getting angry with you having every right to do so isn’t right. I have to say this 9 months I’ve had greater patience than I’d ever have. I learnt to walk away and by walking away I realise is so much harder. The feeling of discontentment is not satisfying, but it is right. Sooner or later justice always prevails as the bible says God will deal with the people who has wronged you. It will always eventually become right again. I guess it was that that kept me from acting the way I’d normally do.
In the past 9 months God has shown me areas in my life that needed concentrating. I remember vividly the day my lifegroup leader told me that I had a stone in my path. I have to say my path isn’t all that clear, there are stones, boulders- some that right now seem impossible to overcome. But I believe in due time, I will succeed. I’m not a optimist neither am I a pessimist. I believe in myself and in my God. That is all. 9 months- I had to sort out some feelings, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, trust issues most of all my greatest fear- commitment. Coming here scared me a little bit because I had to face one of my greatest fears. Today I’m not over it, but I am half way there. Letting go is one of the hardest things I have ever done, it hurts, it’s hard and I have to admit I do sometimes go back. It’s a constant struggle, one step forward only to fall 10 steps back. But I’m learning.
I have yet to find someone I can truly trust. Someone who I’d love to share my stories with, to be wholly me. I have to admit that at one point when everyone was starting a relationship I had my first pang of peer pressure. But then I slapped myself back to reality and I guess being a commitment phobe. did help a little bit. A relationship isn’t a bed of roses and I realise that till I can sort some issues out, it isn’t a very good idea. I believe in being 100% complete so that I can be myself and fair. I don’t want someone to complete me. I want someone who is equally complete. And right now I am not complete. I have issues that I have to face.
In some way I’ve grown stronger. I guess it comes with living independently. I’ve stood up for myself and my family’s dignity, I will not let anyone even if they were 13 years my senior to step over my family’s name. That is something I will not tolerate. Today people who know me respect that part of me. I can take criticism and have learnt to change and it’s not easy but I know the people who cares for me respect me and my family.
In 9 months, I have learnt who my real friends are and who isn’t. There are some who always keeps me in check and still have me on speed-dial while there are some who couldn’t even be bothered to drop even a short hello. I have friends who contacted me just to ask for a favour and then suddenly disappears and those who just wanted to use me for their benefit. I have seen people who have lied straight to my face and those who put on a show. I have seen people who have tried to get me to do things that I know isn’t right and I’ve seen people who’d take me out of such situations. I’ve seen people who would stand up for me and come to my rescue whenever I was in trouble and I have met people who I didn’t get to go past the hello and bye stage. So many colours, so many varieties- but I have to say that I am glad that I can focus on the positives more than the negatives. I do believe in people. And like it or not, that is what seperates me from everyone else.
I learnt that sometimes mistakes have to be made to move forward. I saw how set backs strengthens faith and how God uses uncomfortable. I had the hardest time in the middle of the month after seeing my accounting grades. I panicked and got scared. I didn’t know what to do, but I held on to the one thing I knew wouldn’t go wrong- that THIS is the path that God chose for me and it will come to pass. This path will see me succeeding cause it has been planted in my heart ever since I left home to be here. I came here with a peace of mind and I knew that God wouldn’t lie to me. True enough everything turned out okay. God came through for me yet again. I saw testimonies of God’s work through the lives of my friends and I was amazed at how God answered my prayer 10 years later. He still remembered even when I had given up.
Time plays a huge role in the things I’ve experiences. Leaves do not grow over night and change don’t happen instantaneously. I believe that the 9 months spent here has not been a waste and I am glad that I did the things I did. I made mistakes on my part, I’ve cried a whole lot, I’ve laughed even more and I’ve awesome friends who wouldn’t let me walk the valley of death alone. While some friends are open about it I have those who work behind the scenes. Either way I am so grateful to each and I owe a part of me to them. I wouldn’t be here typing this if it wasn’t for the encouragement, the messages, the smiles, the hugs and the constant reminder of them being here for me. So yes, laugh if you must, but try walking in my shoes for a day, to be a stranger and to find your place. This 9 months is an accomplishment and truth be told, 9 months ago I didn’t believe I would even make it to today. But here I am typing this. THIS is a constant reminder to me that all things are possible if you believe. That all the things that God promised will come to pass. So yes, I believe that the next 3 years is going to be great, I declare it will be great. God will pull through for me again, you’ll see. So tune back here for even more testimonies cause I ensure you this is not the last of it. God’s plans for me is abundant, is good and is never harmful. He guides my back and front and if I don’t have that Faith, then I don’t have anything. Without Him, I can’t believe in anything. So yes, it is because of Him I can say I believe. God will come through for me. I know He will. He always does.
In 9 months time, this space will be filled with even more testimonies even more greatness. 9 months passes by so fast, who know who I will be then? God knows. The past 9 months has been both bad and good but you know what, I take it all. Bad and good. It is what it is, and there is no running away from it. A great person is one who can still laugh and praise when everything isn’t going right. My challenge is to be that person- it’s not easy and I am still working at it. But in time, I can and I will.
aLLy
aLLy-K 